Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
