Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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