Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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