I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Randomize
