when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
