i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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