He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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