# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
