true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
