There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
