Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
