You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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