No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
