a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
