I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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