Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize