Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
