I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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