I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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