I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
