please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
