Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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