I didn't shave. On purpose
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She's not a foreskin expert like you
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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