they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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