go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
