Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
