hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
