Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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