Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
