Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
