Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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