My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
