I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
