i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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