I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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