It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
