I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
