three words: i give head
three words: not that well
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize