Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
