i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
This is my gift to your gina
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
