My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
