I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
