What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She's the barista slut.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
