Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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