I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
