I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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