just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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