Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
