hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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