Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I could make wine with my vomit
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
