Do you still have your period?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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