I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
