If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
