I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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