stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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