My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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