Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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