watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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