whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
