that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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