Pants 0. Shit 1.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
