Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Randomize
