He uses pillows to masturbate.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
