I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
