Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
